Just because you have a spiritual experience doesn’t mean the ego gives up

Inner war 4 – Just because you have a spiritual experience doesn’t mean the ego gives up

The Feeling of Stuck Between Heaven and Hell

This is a problem many of us on the path to awakening will feel. You feel you have lost the material world. You know this world is a dream, created by the mind to justify its existence. You know The games the ego plays to keep you bound. You know you have to practice non-attachment.

And yet, the first time someone says anything harsh to you, you feel hurt and angry inside.

This happened to me a lot. And I felt- I know none of this matters. I know I am the Spirit, that never dies, is never born. I know I am above the material world.

So why is this twat who insulted me bothering so much?

This is the Heart of the Inner War that those on the Path face. Just knowledge of spirituality isn’t enough. Even a few spiritual experiences aren’t enough, if they don’t seep into every ounce of your being.

The Inner War is: A part of you knows you are Spirit; but this part is in war with the part that believes its all bullshit, the unawakened part. And the unawakened part does not give a shit what YOU BELIEVE. It will continue fighting you, such that you might feel the most spiritual person one day, and an asshole the next.

The reason is: We are all born with a personality. Even babies have a personality. Just because a part of you has realised its true self doesn’t mean the personality, or the ego, dissolves.

No. In fact, the ego can use the spiritual experiences to become stronger. And hence you get all the abusive Gurus. If they were mere frauds, they wouldn’t be able to fool anyone. But because they have had the touch of the Spirit, they do have some presence, some awareness of the Infinite. But the ego has hijacked this awareness.

And this is the final battle we must fight. Not against just the ego, but all the mechanical habits we have created. The habit of thinking non-stop, of always be ready to attack, usually in “defence”. The energy of hate and anger we have been gathering our whole life, the FEAR, that has an energy of its own.

And this leads to the Stuck between heaven and hell feeling. You know you are above the ego, and yet the ego fights with your spiritual self. And the ego wins, mainly because it has been around longer, and knows all the dirty tricks. Plus, the ego isn’t something out there, the ego IS YOU. Your mind, your desires, your fears. The ego knows just which buttons to push to turn you from a saint to a monkey.

The Teacher tells me there are 3 main methods to deal with the monkey mind as it tries to hijack your spiritual growth and take you back to the Darkness:

Awareness, Acceptance and Forgiveness.

And finally patience, which is a mixture of all 3


Most people, even those meditating for years, will not even reach this state.

This is awareness of the FEAR, the raw state of discomfort we feel all the time. Everything we do- running after pleasure, running from fear, distracting ourselves with TV/social media/internet, is done to escape this FEAR.

If you can feel this raw FEAR, well done.

If not, keep trying. You will know it when you feel it. It is a state of raw discomfort, that something is wrong, that we are about to be attacked, but this FEAR has no cause. The mind tries to find causes for it in the outer world, like I’ve said before.

Like a magician, it tries to pull a trick on you and try to convince you all your problems are out there, your job, your relationships, your “love” life, your money etc etc.

Look! says the mind. Boss/job/wife/money/health are causing you misery. Quick, do something! Yes good, now do something else! Quick, check Facetube! Good! Now spend 10 hours worrying about your bank balance. Well done!

And like a circus ring master, the mind makes us dance like a monkey, and we are happy to go along.

I’m not saying there are no problems in the world; just that the problems are NOT the cause of your suffering; rather, the FEAR that already exists in the pit of your stomach as a raw energy of hate and anger, is the cause. It powers the ego, and the ego tricks the mind to look outside of itself for its problems.

Awareness of this FEAR is the best thing you can do for yourself. If you don’t yet have awareness of it, sit your ass down. Doesn’t matter if it’s the floor or a seat. And look inside. Don’t think, FEEL inside. It might take some time, maybe weeks/months/years, but you will become aware of this strong negative energy that some people have called the spiritual pain.

While finding this pain IS a big deal, just becoming aware of it isn’t enough, as I found it. That son of a bitch is too strong for us. Which is why you also need

Acceptance and Forgiveness

Acceptance and forgiveness are the same thing. While eastern religions like Buddhism emphasise acceptance and Christianity emphasised forgiveness, at a deep level, they are the same.


Once you become aware of the FEAR you realise how strong it is, how it has been controlling your life from before you can remember.

You also realise that how much of what you thought was “your” personality was just routine habits, mechanical routines, almost like computer programs, the mind created to distract itself from looking at itself. Many of our habits / thinking pattens are mechanical and stupid. You don’t have to be spiritual to realise this, but it helps 😀

In my own experience, I found that these routine mechanical programs were too hard for me to defeat. They had a life, hell a MIND of their own, one which was stronger than mine.

I tried to fight the unconsciousness in me, but it crushed me. It was like a puppy fighting a full grown dog. It only ends in pain, yelping and a bloody puppy.

We can’t fight the darkness, because the darkness IS US. Like Pogo said,

We have seen the enemy, and He is Us

We can’t fight the demons we created, we powered, we gave life to. They are us. The ego isn’t some devil hiding in hell, it is us, right here, right now.

And so, at some point, we need acceptance.

We need to accept our humanness.

We need to accept we are imperfect beings in an imperfect world.

And we have to forgive ourselves for this imperfection.

Forgiveness is acceptance, as we accept ourselves AS WE ARE. People who cannot forgive themselves can NEVER forgive others.

Like the Course in Miracles says(I’m paraphrasing): Forgiveness doesn’t mean: “ You are such a unspiritual bastard, but I forgive you, because I am sooooooo spiritual.”

That is forgiveness from the ego, a demonic version of forgiveness, where you forgive others only to make yourself feel morally superior to them.

Real forgiveness is acceptance of humanity. We are all addicted to thinking, slaves of the ego, living in fear and not even aware why. And beneath all this shit, in spite of all this shit, we are all Divine Beings full of radiant light.

True forgiveness is not to look at the imperfect human part; but to see the divine light in everyone, no matter how ugly their outer form is.

And this starts with accepting and forgiving yourself, as you are in this moment. This is not hiding from your problems. Like I said, the first step is awareness. You become aware of the FEAR and how it has been controlling you your whole life.

Then you accept it. You have acted like an idiot, no doubt (I have!), but you/me did it because we are imperfect human beings.

And deep inside of us, everyone one of us, even the people society hates: murderers, rapist, child molesters: each one of us has this spark of divine.

Truth be told, you can’t really forgive others, as the ego always jumps in. The only person you can forgive is yourself. And you do that by accepting your humanness. You accept your faults, your inner demons. You accept them not to hide from them, as you have been doing your whole life. But rather, to realise the fact that it is not us who has been meditating, but rather something inside of us. That this divine spark inside of us is the one meditating. And that this divine spark is not limited by our tiny mind, our pathetic ego, or our weak body.

That the Divine Spark will take us to freedom, if we only let it; if we can trust it enough to step aside and let it do the work.

And this is the true meaning of faith. Not a mental belief in some god who may or may not live in the sky. But rather, the confidence that comes from your heart, your inner being (and not the mind) that there is something out there looking out for us. That we are part of something bigger, something divine, something beautiful.

I think I have shared this before, but I can’t remember where, so let me share it again.

Once I was sitting in meditation, feeling sorry for myself, as I had done something stupid and unspiritual and had been attacking myself. I will never become enlightened, I am an idiot or something like that I was thinking.

And the Teacher spoke to me: Who is the one meditating? Is it really you?

I felt a light in my heart, a Divine light more beautiful than anything. That was the Inner Child, our True Self.

The Child is the one meditating. We are all pregnant with the Divine, with God, inside of us.

In this way, we are all like Mary, mother of Christ. We have become pregnant with the Divine, but are embarrassed about it.

In a normal pregnancy, the mother has all the power and control. She has to take care of the her health and the baby. She has to make sure the baby is getting everything it needs. She has to guide the baby, both during pregnancy and afterwards.

In the Divine pregnancy, it is the other way round. The Child has all the power. It is the one guiding our path.

It is the one that guides our path, heals our pain, takes care of us. We are practically helpless in front of the Inner Self.

Not completely helpless. We can have faith, and let the Self guide us. The Inner Child can heal all our pain, take us beyond the world of suffering, if only we will let it.

It doesn’t mean we sit down and do nothing. But it does mean we stop acting from the ego.

The problem is, many “spiritual” things we want to do are driven by the ego. The ego wants us to meditate 8 hours a day. The ego has this vision of a great enlightened being who is lording over the others.

We have all heard of abusive gurus who take the money of their students and have sex with them too. That is what the ego wants to become, so it can become more powerful. If you have never felt this, you are being dishonest with yourself. The ego loves meditation, because throughout history the priests / Yogis / monks have always had a lot of respect, and hence power.

How do you know if you are meditating from the ego, or because the inner child wants you to? The simple answer is, you need some awareness already.

The even simpler answer is: The ego’s desires lead to suffering in the end. Short term happiness, long term suffering.

Again, you have to be very honest with yourself to see this.

The 3 steps again

Awareness of yourself, your mind, your FEAR

Acceptance that you are incomplete and imperfect human, and that’s fine

Forgiveness of your humanness. People who cannot forgive themselves can never forgive others.

And finally, the 3 above combine to create FAITH, faith in the universe, in the divine spark inside of us, in the Inner Child guiding our path. We accept that while we are imperfect now, it does not matter because the Self will guide us towards perfection. And all we need do is stay conscious, and act with compassion and love.

And that the Divine will take care of any mistake we make.

Because at the end of the day, it is not us, as limited minds and personalities, that are trying to awake. It is the Universe trying to awaken to itself. Any so called “failure” is a failure of the Divine, not YOU.

So if you fuck up, feel free to blame God. He let you down again 😀 😀 😀 😊

In the meantime, stay aware of who you are, and let the Inner Child do all the work. You are just here for the ride 😊